Family Guy vs American Dad
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: Forbidden from drinking by Stan, Roger decides to meet up with an old friend who loves to drink: Peter Griffin. Roger soon explores the world of Quahog and he meets the rest of the Griffin family. It's the crossover you never thought would happen!
1. Act I: The Set-up

_Family Guy_ vs. _American Dad_ \- Stan is convinced that Roger's alcoholism is starting to have a negative effect on the family, so he forbids him from drinking again. Francine backs him up. Convinced that the Smiths no longer love him, Roger decides to call up an old friend who is more than happy to accommodate his drinking: Peter Griffin. Roger travels to Quahog under the disguise Hunter Stabler and reunites with Peter. Peter offers to let Roger stay at the Griffin house until he gets settled. This is when Roger gets firmly introduced to the world of _Family Guy_. Stan finds out where Roger is and the Smiths travel to Quahog to take Roger back home.

("Crossover" by EPMD playing in the background as shots of the Quahog skyline are shown. The following actors/actresses are credited: Seth MacFarlane, Alex Borstein, Mila Kunis, Seth Green, Patrick Warburton, and John Viener. The Langley Falls skyline is shown, and MacFarlane is credited again, along with Wendy Schaal, Rachael MacFarlane, Scott Grimes, Dee Bradley Baker, and Patrick Stewart.)

SCENE 1

The Smith Household

Interior Living Room

Langley Falls, Virginia

(Roger is drinking a bottle of Heineken while watching TV. He's dressed like Luke Skywalker.)

VOICEOVER: Coming up next on _Girl Meets World_, Maya makes a difficult decision...

ROGER: Please say abortion, please say abortion.

VOICEOVER: Should she go for Lucas with Riley in the way?

ROGER: Dammit, Disney Channel's been in the crapper since Raven started smoking. Or was it Miley?

(Stan angrily walks up to Roger and turns off the TV)

ROGER: Hey, what are you doing? I was just about to imagine Maya from _Girl Meets World _getting an abortion!

STAN: Looks like you had another drunken mishap. I just got off the phone with Terry and Greg. You had a whole bottle of Smirnoff Ice at their house this morning and then tried to take their pants off.

ROGER: Hey, I was trying to make it a Triple Threat, they're the ones who couldn't understand the rules.

STAN: Roger, this is getting out of hand. Your drinking is starting to heavily affect this family. I ask you to pick up Steve from school, the car gets hit by a bus. I ask you to report to family dinner on time, you show up two hours late with a prostitute taped to your leg. I ask you to pick up my dry cleaning, the car crashes into a pole.

ROGER: Actually, the car ran into another bus, the pole thing was just high school gossip.

STAN: Well, either way, I can't stand for this anymore. Roger, from this point forward, I no longer want you to drink.

ROGER: You know, Stan, the Emmys hand out awards for Outstanding Comedy Series. I, for one, firmly believe that an award for Outstanding Comedian should go to you. I mean, that joke is freaking amazing. Satire with a hint of parody. Genius. Now pass me the Jack Daniels before I kill you.

STAN: Roger, this is serious.

(Roger looks concerned, then gets on the floor and starts screaming like a little kid)

ROGER: NOOOOOOO, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! ALCOHOL IS THE ONE THING THAT KEEPS ME FROM HATING YOU GUYS! Wait a minute. What if I told you I could make it worth your while? (Roger starts touching Stan flirtatiously)

STAN: Um...what?

ROGER: I mean, Francine is always busy with the kids and when you need your grind...

STAN: Look, you haven't proven to me you can balance your life with alcohol in a long time. So I'm going to get rid of it all and see if Francine agrees.

(Stan walks to the kitchen when Roger takes out a gun and fires at Stan, shooting him in the spine and killing him. It's revealed to be Roger's imagination.)

ROGER: Crap, that _Unfabulous _marathon didn't pay off at all.

SCENE 2

The Smith Household

Interior Attic

Langley Falls, Virginia

Later on, Roger is in his attic dressed like Mickey Mouse. He looks devastated. His bar Roger's Place is completely empty.)

ROGER: You know, on days like this, I would put on my best Hawaiian douche ensemble and give those bar folk something they've been longing for all day: Relief from their stressful, tied down lives with stupid children and wives that bug them about picking up rice cakes at the market. But I can't even do that. I'm nothing without booze. I'm just a sad sack spent to live with nothing but my own defecations, wallowing in a room with no place to go and a stupid accent.

(The camera pulls back to reveal Klaus.)

ROGER: Yeah, and if you're wondering, I was talking about you. I was trying my best not to keep it subtle.

KLAUS: (Bleep) you. In all honesty, I don't see what the big deal is. You're just losing a couple drinks at home, what's the stress?

ROGER: Klaus, I feel like whiskey is the key to the world's problems. Beer is the gateway to knowledge beyond our reach, vodka is a safe haven from all your inhibitions, champagne gives you a sense of regality and wine is God putting his pee in a bottle for us to enjoy like a baby enjoys breast milk.

KLAUS: Boy, you have problems. And I thought Gene Simmons had a lack of understanding. Look, Roger, all you need to do is drink outside the house. You're not hurting anyone and Stan will never know.

ROGER: You're right, Klaus! That's brilliant.

KLAUS: Yeah, you see, G? Now you're straight like a jack-a-lantern on the Halloween tip!

(Roger gives Klaus a bored look.)

KLAUS: I'm taking a hip-hop terminology course. How's my flavor?

Stan, Francine, Steve, and Hayley are eating pork chops and mashed potatoes with green beans.

FRANCINE: You know, Stan, I think you made the right decision by trying to get Roger to sober up. But don't you think he'll go insane all cold turkey like this?

STAN: He's Roger. How insane can he get at this point? I mean, he played _Pulp Fiction _with me because he thought I was an OD'ing bitch.

FRANCINE: I guess so. But just don't take away the wine. Or else I'm going to have to make sure there's a serious cover-up if you catch my drift.

STEVE: This is unbelievable. Roger without booze? How will he be able to live with himself? It's like Nicki Minaj not trying to hammer home her sexuality.

HAYLEY: Well, personally, I think this will be good for Roger. If you ask me, his alcoholic shtick was getting old anyway.

ROGER: Hayley, sweetheart, I heard my name cast in a negative light, I don't want that to happen again. Well, Stan, you did it. You swore me off of booze for good. I no longer want to enjoy alcohol in the Smith household.

STAN: I have the feeling you're manipulating me. But I can't help but feel so proud that I've made an impact on you, that my vanity shines through my common sense. Thank you for your newfound commitment.

FRANCINE: Roger, I'm a little surprised. Are you sure you don't have the urge for a Miller right now? Because damn, I do.

ROGER: Of course not. That's all just child's play, a whole bunch of Chucky.

STEVE: You're...you're just referencing a movie. Are you drunk right NOW?

ROGER: Of course not, I'm 15% high, but we can't focus on everything.

SCENE 3

The C.I.A.

Interior Meeting Room

Langley Falls, Virginia

(Deputy Director Bullock is in the middle of the meeting with the employees.)

BULLOCK: So, in other news, I really don't want any of you to get at that sprinkled chocolate donut in the break room. I'm not afraid to go Daniel Bryan on you.

(Stan's phone rings and he picks up)

STAN: Hello, Francine?

FRANCINE: Stan, you have to head down to Quizno's! Roger's drunk and he's holding up traffic and everything!

STAN: OK, I'll be down there. Deputy Director Bullock...

BULLOCK: Please go, Mr. Smith.

(Stan immediately rushes out of the room; long pause)

BULLOCK: Dick, stop picking your nose, this is a place of class.

(Dick looks around in shame)

SCENE 4

Langley Falls, Virginia

(Stan frantically drives to Quizno's. He sees a bunch of yellow tape and a horde of people surrounding the area. Roger is drunk with a gallon of wine and standing on top of two crashed cars. He's dressed as Tom Yabo.

ROGER: Alright, I have 45 minutes to kill so I have something important to say.

STAN: Tom, get down from there before you hurt yourself!

ROGER: Hey look, it's Suit and Tie Fruity Boy! Hey, Suit and Tie Fruity Boy, why don't you come up here and get wrecked in your sack by Tom Yabo, former war correspondent! Agh, dammit, my skull!

STAN: He's so drunk, he can't even remember his own occupation. Might as well shoot him down while I have the chance.

(Stan takes his tranquilizer gun and shoots Roger down with three darts while the crowd rejoices)

RANDOM GUY: Thank God he wasn't black.

SCENE 5

The Smith Household

Interior Attic

Langley Falls, Virginia

(Stan is furious with Roger, who's now naked. He's on his bed in shame.)

STAN: Unbelievable. Un-freaking-believable. Community service for 200 hours, a whole month of AA meetings. And several charges that can't be mentioned right now but you should be aware of that got dropped. Thanks to me.

ROGER: Is this about me streaking last month in Tijuana? I mean, that whole place was like Barcelona's mouse droppings, they were asking for it.

STAN: Roger, I'm sick and tired of you always finding a way to get yourself out of trouble. It's not always going to be easy. Pretty soon, you're going to take it too far and the C.I.A. will kill us all because of it. So from this point forward, we're back where we started: No leaving this house. You're grounded, mister.

ROGER: What?! I'm Roger, I have to show off my clothes for the precious reward of envy and hatred!

STAN: Forget it, dude. It's about time you started to be more responsible. One of us has to grow up and you know damn well it's not going to be me.

(Stan walks away at that very moment)

ROGER: That jerk Stan always pushing me around. You need to be more careful out in public. You can't be naked when Jeff is in the house. You have to be more responsible so I can be more abusive. Well, no more. I'm...I'm going to run away. Away from this family of freaks that don't love me anymore!

(Roger looks in his closet for clothes he can pack when he sees a box that says "80s Memories I Probably Forgot About.")

ROGER: Well, I guess checking through the files will make me feel better. This was the only decade where everyone was comfortable with their sexual orientation.

(Roger looks at a picture that catches his eye, which is of him and Peter Griffin from 1984)

ROGER: Ah, Hunter Stabler. One of my favorite disguises from back in the day. And yeah, this guy was always cool. We got drunk all the time back then. Hey! Wait a minute, that's it! I just need to come in contact with this guy again, and I'll be able to drink non-stop! It's better than this BS place of squares and hippie weirdos and dorks with stupid European accents.

(The camera pulls back to reveal Klaus again.)

KLAUS: Seriously, I don't see the point of talking about me when I'm in the same room.

ROGER: Yeah, that's the point. You're supposed to hear it.

SCENE 6

The Griffin Household

Interior Living Room

Quahog, Rhode Island

(Peter is drinking a can of Pawtucket Patriot Ale while watching TV.)

VOICEOVER: Tonight on Comedy Central, a brand-new episode of _South Park_!

(at that very moment, Peter turns off the TV) PETER: I'm not interested.

(Peter gets a call at that very moment. His ringtone is "...To Be Loved" by Papa Roach.)

PETER: Hello, Peter Griffin. If you're calling about my credit card debt, don't worry. I don't plan on doing anything about it.

ROGER: Well, would you be interested in paying a debt to an old friend?

PETER: Get a job, you freeloading bastard!

ROGER: No, it's not about money. Hunter Stabler's the name, popping bottles is my game.

PETER: No way! Hunter, it's really you?

ROGER: You bet your ass it is. And I was interested in coming over and getting busy like we used to. By the time we're through, the police will need three breathalyzers each!

PETER: I don't know, Hunter. I'm married now and my wife will just nag me about how I shouldn't be a slave to alcohol or some _Cosmopolitan _crap.

ROGER: Well, one visit from me and you won't have to worry about it. The Drunken Clam, tomorrow night?

PETER: Definitely. You know, I have some cool friends you could meet also.

ROGER: Great, I can't wait to kill them.

PETER: What?

ROGER: With funny stories of our past!

PETER: Oh, well, that's awesome. Because it almost sounded like you were going to violently murder my pals.

ROGER: Ah, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Bye!

(Peter hangs up and Brian walks into the room)

BRIAN: Peter, who were you talking to?

PETER: My old college buddy Hunter Stabler. He's coming to the Clam tomorrow night to pay me a visit.

BRIAN: Don't you think it's kinda weird how a guy who you haven't mentioned or talked to in years suddenly wants to meet up?

PETER: Probably. But one thing Hunter always knew how to do was party. This is going to be way more fun than that stupid croquet game we played last weekend.

BRIAN: That was a funeral.

FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK

After the break, Roger comes to Quahog as Hunter and meets Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire at the Clam. It all leads to Roger heading to the Griffin house and getting truly exposed to the world of _Family Guy._

READ &amp; REVIEW!


	2. Act II: The Meeting

SCENE 7

Quahog Airport

Exterior Exit

Quahog, Rhode Island

(Roger is dressed like a character straight out of _Miami Vice _with a white blazer and pants, Italian loafers, a black T-shirt with a small gold chain, brown hair and a brown mustache as he exits the terminal.)

ROGER: This is going to be awesome. Hunter Stabler's back! If the Olsen twins can get where they are in life with no effort, so can I!

SCENE 8

The Drunken Clam

Interior Booth

Quahog, Rhode Island

(Peter meets Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire at their booth while wearing a blue T-shirt with "Welcome Hunter" painted on it.)

PETER: At ease, gentlemen.

QUAGMIRE: Peter, what's with the get-up?

PETER: Guys, we are going to have the greatest night of drinking ever! My old college buddy Hunter Stabler is visiting me here and we're going to catch up. He's a serious drinker, you know.

JOE: Oh yeah. How serious of a drinker is he?

PETER: They call him the Man of a Thousand Beer Cans. He was going to do professional drinking, but ironically, he was arrested on a DUI and banned from the league.

HUNTER STABLER: Who's ready to get ready-ready?

("Brick House" by The Commodores playing in the background)

(Roger shows up with a sly smile on his face and starts dancing around. The guys are all entertained, especially Peter. Roger turns off the iPod he was playing "Brick House" on)

ROGER: Alright, enough of that.

PETER: Hunter, you freaking S.O.B., you're back! (Peter immediately hugs Roger) Meet my drinking buddies. Quagmire, he's a pervert. Joe, his legs no longer work. And Cleveland, who tried branching out but failed miserably.

CLEVELAND: At least it wasn't as terrible as _Sam &amp; Cat._

ROGER: Well, I'm definitely going to enjoy doing business with you guys. And DOING you guys like business.

PETER: Ha-ha, nobody does sex jokes like Hunter. I tell ya guys, he did it all in the 80s. He was even friends with Max Headroom.

ROGER: Interesting story, I gave Max his catchphrase after accidentally throwing ice on him. I also may have tried to kill him after he took all the credit, but we'll let the court settle that.

JOE: You know, Hunter, as a member of the police force, it's vital for me to make sure the drinking has a limit.

ROGER: You're a crippled policeman who still wants to drink? What kind of logic is that, you might as well shoot Cleveland while you're at it.

CLEVELAND: Cops make me want to use again.

JOE: We're doing our jobs to protect citizens like you.

ROGER: Yeah, yeah, tell that to everybody you abused for so long. OK, Joe, if you can't swing with the bad boys, you can always go home early. Meanwhile, we'll be drinking like real men.

JOE: You're saying I'm not a man?

ROGER: All I see is half, so it's not like you have a lot to show me now.

PETER: He's got you on the ropes now, Joe.

JOE: (sighs) Alright, Stabler! You want to party? Well say hello to the REAL Joe Swanson!

PETER: Hell yeah, that's the spirit, Joe. Aw man, this is going to be even more exciting than my first selfie.

CUTAWAY GAG

(Peter is in the Griffin house's living room, smiling and ready to take a selfie, but he throws his cell phone down and starts crying.)

PETER: I can't do it, I'm not a big boy yet!

END OF CUTAWAY

ROGER: What the hell was that?

PETER: What are you talking about?

ROGER: That thing you just did, I don't get it. It was like you made something appear out of nowhere.

PETER: Oh, that's a cutaway. I would show you how to do it, but you'll figure it out soon enough.

SCENE 9

The Griffin Household

Interior Living Room

Quahog, Rhode Island

(Peter, drunk, nearly swerves the car into a tree with Roger in the passenger's seat. They both start laughing and get out of the car.)

PETER: Oh my God, I need an aspirigen, I'm out of my mind right now.

ROGER: You're telling...you're telling me. I'm so drunk right now, I have enough liquor in my body to fill up Homer Simpson's bathtub.

PETER: Ha ha! It's funny because he's just like us. Come on in, I'll tell you how to cut your thumbs off so you can stitch them back on...when-when you staple your ass cheeks together.

(Peter and Roger collapse into the living room where Lois and Brian are watching TV.)

LOIS: Peter, where the hell have you been?! It's 11:00 and you never even bothered to tell me you were coming late! And for God's sake, who's that guy?

ROGER: Who's Joan Crawford's stepsister?

PETER: Oh, that's just my wife Lois. Introduce yourself, she might like ya. Or hate ya like she usually does.

ROGER: Hi, I'm Hunter Stabler, Peter's old college buddy and alcoholic extraordinaire. Don't worry, I was the reason we were having so much fun tonight.

LOIS: Well, are you going to make sure it doesn't happen again?

ROGER: Does Jay-Z have a fetish for money?

(long pause)

LOIS: I don't know why, but I'm starting to tolerate you.

ROGER: That's the spirit because if you didn't, nothing would stop me from killing you. Hey, cool, a doggie!

BRIAN: Oh geez, you must be Hunter. And I'm not a doggie, I'm just a dog.

ROGER: No, you're cute. Like Snoopy! You're a not-as-cute version of Snoopy!

PETER: Hunter, he's not that kind of dog.

BRIAN: Yeah, I'm not. And stop saying Snoopy like that.

ROGER: Snoopy!

(Brian gives Roger a look of disdain)

ROGER: I think this is just my kind of house.

SCENE 10

The Smith Household

Interior Living Room

Langley Falls, Virginia

(Everybody is watching TV when Stan shows up)

STAN: Guys, I think something happened to Roger.

FRANCINE: What do you mean, Stanley?

STAN: I mean that...don't call me Stanley, only my mommy can do that. Anyway, I went up to the attic and a lot of his disguises are gone. Plus, it doesn't smell like cheap wine which is an indicator it wasn't voluntary. What if he was kidnapped by apes?!

STEVE: Dad, maybe Roger just wanted to take a vacation.

STAN: Oh yeah, Steve, an alien in disguise taking a vacation is a lot more believable than a naked alien being kidnapped and probed mercilessly by giant, CGI-animated apes. Way to send this country down, son.

HAYLEY: Dad, I'm with Steve. Maybe Roger just wanted to get away from it all after you told him he couldn't drink.

STAN: And I also said he couldn't leave the house but he probably got around that too. I just wish I had some clue as to where he went. Something quick so we don't have to keep having this talk.

FRANCINE: Klaus, are you looking at Roger's new Facebook picture?

KLAUS: No, I wasn't doing that shit. You be illing, trying to play me close, G!

FRANCINE: Let me see that. Oh my God, it IS Roger!

STAN: Really? Let me see that! "Having fun in Quahog with my new bestie Peter Griffin." Roger's in Rhode Island getting drunk with a fat guy who's probably Irish! We have to go there and bring him back!

STEVE: Dad, are you sure that's necessary?

STAN: You're damn right, Steve. Smiths, we're going to Quahog!

(thunder claps and lightning strikes behind Stan)

HAYLEY: What was that?

STAN: Just a little something to help with the drama.

SCENE 11

The Griffin Household

Interior Hallway

Quahog, Rhode Island

PETER: Hunter, you're going to love it here at the Griffins. I just wish you had said something earlier, we could have made a cool space for ya.

ROGER: Oh, don't worry, I enjoy causing inconveniences for people. So where is the Man of a Thousand Beer Cans settling in?

PETER: For now, our baby Stewie's room. You just need to make sure you don't wake him up. And don't give him anything to drink. I tried that once, it was a disaster.

CUTAWAY GAG

(Lois is spanking Peter)

PETER: I'm sorry for ruining our son! I'M SORRY FOR RUINING OUR SON! This is the worst break from school ever!

END OF CUTAWAY

PETER: Well, good night, Hunts.

ROGER: Good night, Pete.

(Peter shuts the door softly and Roger takes out a pre-packed Batman sleeping bag. Stewie notices his presence.)

STEWIE: Who the devil are you?

ROGER: AAAAHHHHHHHH, YOU CAN'T TAKE ME ALIVE, TALKING BABY!

STEWIE: Hmmmm, your arrival on my living quarters is quite interesting. Hi, my name is Stewie.

ROGER: Hunter Stabler, your old man's old pal from college!

STEWIE: Ah, I've heard about you. You actually drugged and then slept with five women?

ROGER: Actually, that was just a myth, it was seven women and two men. Stupid college rumors.

STEWIE: You know, I haven't heard anything about you until yesterday. Why come to our house now after so long?

ROGER: Oh, you know, just wanted to return my Doors album.

STEWIE: You son of a bitch, the fat man hates The Doors!

ROGER: You know, I'm going to go somewhere else that you're not.

(Roger falls over and his wig comes off)

STEWIE: Oh my God, you're an alien!

ROGER: And you're Connie Chung, you want this stupid interview to go any further?

SCENE 12

The Griffin Household

Interior Stewie's Bedroom

Quahog, Rhode Island

STEWIE: My God, you're an alien! What do you want with my family?!

ROGER: Kid, will you hush up before I lick your lips, someone might hear us.

BRIAN: It's too late for that, Hunter. If that's your real name.

ROGER: It's not. My real name is Smith. Roger Smith.

BRIAN: A-ha, I...I-I got lucky there.

STEWIE: Roger, cut the charade and tell us what's really going on.

ROGER: Look, I've been living with the Smith family for the past nine years in secret. Recently, they told me I couldn't drink anymore so I had to come here because Peter would let me drink whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.

BRIAN: But what's with the costume?

ROGER: Oh, I'm just a master of disguise. I have a whole ton of outfits. One time, I dressed up as a teenage girl for my birthday and in typical teenage girl fashion, I raged over the car I didn't get. I haven't used Hunter Stabler since early 1990.

STEWIE: So you're an extraterrestrial life form with the uncanny ability to hoodwink people with disguises.

ROGER: Exactly. And since I told you, I have no choice but to kill you. Who's batting leadoff tonight?

BRIAN: What? Why would you kill us?!

ROGER: I can't have you two blabbermouth Beckys tell your folks about our real identity. The CIA will catch me and then kill me.

STEWIE: Well, what do you expect to do?

ROGER: Continue drinking, Hunter Stabler forever!

BRIAN: So you're going to keep taking advantage of Peter because your own family was worried enough about you to tell you no?

ROGER: Wow, you are so negative about everything, you need to get laid. Maybe I can help.

BRIAN: I don't swing that way and unless you want to die, I suggest you go back home.

ROGER: I'm not doing that. Drinking is all I have. Without it, I'm just a lame German guy with orange skin and gills. Oh yeah, Klaus isn't here.

STEWIE: Roger, as much as I despise the fat man, he idolizes you. Can you really sit there and continue using your friend?

(long pause)

ROGER: Yes. Yes I can.

SCENE 13

The Smiths are now in Quahog, and are pulling up on the Griffin house.

STAN: 31 Spooner Street. According to this address, Roger is with another family named the Griffins. Let's get our alien back!

STEVE: Huh. Something about this place is a lot less bright and kinda lazy.

HAYLEY: Biting the hand that feeds you, aren't you?

(Peter is watching TV when someone rings the doorbell. When he opens the door, Stan has him at gunpoint.)

STAN: Where's Roger?!

PETER: The spirit of Roger Ebert?

STAN: Don't play dumb! The name's Stan Smith of the CIA. And I want my alien back!

PETER: Um, Lois? Those guys that used to be on a major network are here!

Coming up next, the Griffins and Smiths, after the initial hostility, end up bonding while Roger contemplates actually doing the right thing for once. However, the next morning, all plans may fall through thanks to Joe.


	3. Act III: The Meeting, continued

SCENE 14

The Griffin Household

Interior Living Room

Quahog, Rhode Island

_Stan is still holding Peter at gunpoint._

PETER: Look, CIA guy, we have no clue what you're talking about. There's no alien here.

STAN: Sir, I know you're trying to think logically with this gun pointed at your head so let me put it away for now.

HAYLEY: Make sure it's on safety.

STAN: Hayley, I am a gun specialist, I know when to put my weapons on safety.

_Stan accidentally pulls the trigger and the bullet ends up creating a hole in the living room wall. Hayley looks at an embarrassed Stan with annoyance._

STAN: That might have been the right time not to have my finger on the trigger.

_Lois walks downstairs at that point._

LOIS: What the hell is going on, Peter? Who are these people?

STAN: Hi, I'm Stan Smith. I work for the CIA. We're looking for our alien Roger which we traced back to this address, and if we don't find him before the CIA does, they kill us and wipe our memories!

LOIS: Uh-huh. Peter, where's the motherf***ing gun? I can't entertain houseguests anymore.

STAN: We're not houseguests looking for chitchat, we just want our alien back.

PETER: And we keep telling you we don't know nothing! Oh, Lois, I haven't been this scared since the time I met the Beatles.

_CUTAWAY GAG_

_Peter is confused when he sees only Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr at an autograph signing._

PETER: I don't, um...I don't get it, where are the other two?

_END OF CUTAWAY_

_Brian runs downstairs to see what is happening._

BRIAN: Is everyone alright? I heard gunfire.

STAN: Hey, Brian, how's it going, buddy?

BRIAN: _*sighs* _For the last time, I don't know who you are.

STAN: It's like you never want us to get closer.

BRIAN: Who are you guys anyway?

STAN: I'm Stan Smith of the CIA. This is my wife Francine, my son Steve, and my daughter Hayley. I'm trying to be heroic here and get our alien Roger back, but these two jerks are testing my patience.

LOIS: Sir, you came in here demanding to know something we have no involvement in and pulled a gun on my husband!

STAN: It's called living in America. You take what you want, kill everybody you need to, make a couple kids orphans, it's just part of the game.

BRIAN: You know what? You guys should excuse me, I have to, um...work on another novel or something.

STEVE: Why are you leaving, Brain?

BRIAN: It's Brian. And I'm trying as hard as I can to, um...you know, write right now but I went down here and...bye.

_Brian runs upstairs with a worried look on his face._

STAN: I don't trust that dog. He's up to something.

FRANCINE: Probably. Hey, do you guys have any orange juice? I like mixing it with Mr. Pibb and calling it a mimosa for the kids.

LOIS: We're fresh out, but there's some wine if you're into that.

FRANCINE: I am so f***ing into that, I could kill for a glass right now.

_Peter and Lois look scared of Francine's expression._

SCENE 15

The Griffin Household

Interior Stewie's Bedroom

Quahog, Rhode Island

_At this point, Stewie and Roger are playing cards._

ROGER: You know, I just never understood why people can't be more open with their sexuality. I always made it clear what my intentions were, consensual or non-consensual and I turned out pretty great.

STEWIE: Very profound statement, Roger. Hey, what would you say to a younger fellow who wants to consummate his relationship..._*begins looking at Rupert suspiciously*_...but his partner doesn't want to get checked out?

ROGER: I'm sorry, are we talking about your friend or what?

_Brian runs in and starts breathing heavily._

STEWIE: Brian, what the devil's going on with you?

BRIAN: _*in Stan's voice* _It's Stan. _*Brian is momentarily confused* _What the hell? It's Stan. Your family's here for you, Roger, the jig is up. Stan has a gun and if we don't give you over to him, he'll probably kill all of us!

ROGER: Relax, Brian, Stan's a pussycat. He knows when to shoot and when not to shoot. One time, he saw a ladybug. Didn't even step on it. There's a softer side to him that I've learned to fall in love with over the years.

BRIAN: Don't you see what your lies and deceit have gotten us into? You have to come clean and go back home.

STEWIE: You know, Roger, I think Brian has a point. You can't keep masquerading as the fat man's buddy any longer. Once Stan's done with this place, there will be more dead bodies than a South Central barbeque.

ROGER: _*sighs* _I guess you're right, guys. It was stupid of me to change who I am. Hayley does not control my life anymore!

_Brian and Stewie give Roger looks of boredom._

BRIAN: Um...do you have any idea what we're talking about?

ROGER: I'm like, seventy-five percent drunk and fifty percent high right now, could you slow everything down a bit?

SCENE 16

The Griffin Household

Interior Living Room

Quahog, Rhode Island

_Peter, Lois, Stan, and Francine sit on the couch doing nothing but stare at each other._

PETER: You know, when I was younger, I used to have dreams of being a CIA agent.

STAN: Really?

PETER: Yeah, but I had to give it up. I always felt like I was too fat, and my weight would serve as a liability to that kind of career.

STAN: Are you kidding me? You're perfect for the CIA. Can you run?

PETER: Well, I tend to be pretty swift when it comes to avoiding conversation.

STAN: This is perfect. Your weight will be an asset by dodging bullets. Of course, if you take this job, you'll most likely have to stay away from your family. They'll drag you down.

FRANCINE: Stan, your job doesn't affect your time at home.

STAN: Different times, babe. Different opportunities.

LOIS: Francine, how are you able to look like Natalie Portman when you should really look like the Olsen twins?

FRANCINE: Oh, I don't know. I just age gracefully and let God figure out the rest. I once asked him for a chicken, and guess what? I ended up getting a turkey. Anything's possible!

LOIS: Yeaaaaah.

STAN: So what do you have to drink? Killing people makes me thirsty.

PETER: You're not killing my wife!

STAN: I meant you, bro.

PETER: That's still not okay! But while you're here, I guess you can have a Pawtucket Patriot.

FRANCINE: How much alcohol is in that? My husband can't really handle certain drinks.

STAN: Francine is delirious because of the wine. I can handle your little Pippyscoppin Pimsuckle.

PETER: It's...it's a Pawtucket Patriot. I mean, I don't know if you're just mocking me, or this is part of a bigger problem you need to address at some point.

SCENE 17

The Griffin Household

Interior Chris' Room

Quahog, Rhode Island

_Chris is showing Steve around his room._

CHRIS: In that closet over there is where the evil monkey used to live. I found out he wasn't really evil, but actually...

STEVE: Stop. I don't need the whole backstory. You know, I really appreciate the tour but I want to know more about you, Chris. What do you like to do for fun?

CHRIS: Well, to be honest, I don't have many hobbies. Except for, um...this one thing.

STEVE: And that one thing is...

CHRIS: I'm embarrassed. Everybody tells me I'm weird for liking it so much.

STEVE: Oh, come on, everybody has bizarre hobbies. Just spit it out.

CHRIS: Okay, but you won't like the results.

_The scene cuts to Steve and Chris on Chris' computer._

STEVE: I can't believe it! Watching old episodes of _Who's the Boss _doesn't make you weird. It's awesome!

CHRIS: Really? What's your favorite episode?

STEVE: Well, as any self-respecting _Who's the Boss _fan will tell you, it comes from the best season, which is season five. The one where Jonathan runs for treasurer and Mona does a provocative photo shoot for a magazine is a classic. She nearly ruins his chances!

CHRIS: Hmmm. Well, Steve, I respectfully disagree.

STEVE: How? It's my favorite episode, you can't tell me I'm wrong for having an opinion.

CHRIS: I'm not saying that, but personally, I think Samantha is a much stronger character than Jonathan. The episode where her uncle Nick dies...tear jerker, man.

STEVE: I am so sick and tired of people saying that Jonathan is a weak character. Danny Pintauro was given nothing to work with!

CHRIS: His acting was mediocre at best, even when he was little!

STEVE: Okay, then tell me this. How come he carried Alyssa Milano to her best performance in the show with the episode where Sam babysat Jonathan?!

_Beat._

CHRIS: You just crossed the F***ING LINE, STEVE!

SCENE 18

The Griffin Household

Interior Hallway

Quahog, Rhode Island

_Meg and Hayley leave Meg's room._

HAYLEY: You know, Meg, you're not annoying at all. I don't know why everyone in this house hates you.

MEG: It's kinda the same reason as that fish guy you were telling me about. It has to be somebody.

HAYLEY: Hey, do you smoke pot?

MEG: Eh, every now and again. But it's too soft for me. I've been getting into meth though. You want to try some?

HAYLEY: I, uh, have conflicting emotions about what you just told me.

_At that point, Brian and Stewie leave Stewie's room with Roger. Hayley and Meg catch them._

HAYLEY: Roger?!

MEG: Who's Roger?

_Brian, Stewie, and Roger shake their heads at Hayley._

HAYLEY: Oh, um, I was just talking about Roger Clemens. When I found out he took steroids, it just ripped me from the inside.

MEG: Okay. I'm going to the bathroom.

_Meg heads to the bathroom as the guys stare at her._

ROGER: That's your sister?

STEWIE: Yeah. Don't get any ideas, she's under 21.

ROGER: Is that really going to stop me from having ideas? I nail everything.

HAYLEY: Roger, what are you doing with these weirdos? Dad's looking for you.

STEWIE: Don't make me kill you, sweetheart.

ROGER: They were holding me against my will. They kept telling me to squeal like a pig and on several occasions, they made expert use of their fingers on my anatomy.

BRIAN: NONE OF THAT HAPPENED!

ROGER: Jesus, would it kill you to go with my role play?

HAYLEY: Whatever the case may be, you need to go downstairs. If you don't, someone's going to get killed tonight.

BRIAN: Relax, Hayley, we're taking him downstairs now.

HAYLEY: How do you know my name?

BRIAN: Well, Roger told me and you're the only person in your family that I could see owning a hybrid so I put two and two together.

SCENE 19

The Griffin Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

_Stan is noticeably drunk as Peter, Lois, and Francine look at him with confusion._

STAN: So when...when the guy told me that he didn't have...my money, I slit his throat and dumped the remains in my toilet. Francine, remember that, um...guy who used to...used to...dance with us as a reward?

FRANCINE: Stan, you've told six different stories in the span of two minutes. Have consistency, why don't you?

STAN: Hey, look, the floor.

_Stan falls on the floor and starts sleeping._

PETER: Geez, he only had half a beer.

_Brian and Stewie bring down Roger. _

STEWIE: You know, it's interesting how we're helping someone but we might end up dying anyway.

PETER: Hunter, you're back! Why were you hanging out with my dog and standing awkwardly close towards my son?

BRIAN: Peter, this is the alien Stan was looking for earlier. He's in disguise!

_Stan immediately wakes up._

STAN: ROGER! And you bastards thought you could harbor him and nobody would find out. But now you're in big trouble. And not everyday sitcom trouble, I mean sitcom that gets adapted to a movie and everything is darker for some reason trouble.

PETER: Stan, what are you talking about? That's my old buddy Hunter Stabler. He ain't no alien.

STAN: You really think that, do you?

_Stan removes Roger's wig and mustache._

LOIS: What the hell is going on tonight?

PETER: Oh my God. Hunter's a talking bowling pin!

STAN: He's not a bowling pin, you big fat numbnuts. He's an alien that wears costumes for enjoyment. He's been playing you like a clavinet for years!

ROGER: It's true, Peter. I can't lie to you anymore. The truth is, Stan cut me off from drinking so I came here because I knew you wouldn't care. But now you know the truth so none of that matters!

PETER: You son of a bitch, you've been using me since Reagan used black guys! You know what? You can have him, Stan. I never wanna see Hunter again.

STAN: It's not that simple, Peter. Now your whole family knows about Roger's existence. Which means everybody in this house must die.

LOIS: Oh no, he's going to kill the kids! Peter, do something!

PETER: Okay, you don't have to yell. You're standing right next to me. And second of all, I don't know what to do, Lois. Oh, the only thing we can hope for is a convenient excuse that stalls time.

_The doorbell is rung and Peter opens it. It's Joe. Roger quickly puts on his wig and mustache._

PETER: Joe, what are you doing here?

JOE: Hi Peter. I'm following an anonymous tip. Apparently, your friend Hunter here was responsible for several car accidents tonight, all under the influence of alcohol.

ROGER: Well, half of them were because of alcohol. I'm a sociopath, it kinda comes with the territory.

JOE: I'm sorry, Hunter, but you're under arrest for drunk driving.

_Joe slaps the handcuffs on Roger and everyone gasps._

VOICEOVER: Will Roger do hard time? Will Stan kill every member of the Griffins? Will Steve and Chris settle their debate? Will Klaus pass his hip hop terminology course? Find out the conclusions to all of these things, in the next part of the _Flintstones/Jetsons _crossover event! Oh, I'm sorry, the _Family Guy/American Dad _special!


	4. Act IV: The Blow-Up

_Thank You, Heavenly_


End file.
